I Can’t Imagine Myself Without You
by river n fox
Summary: Canada dropping by to ask America on a hockey game, but why is America crying in the bathroom? (Alert! Self harming)(Amecan, but you can read them as both ship or pure friendship) One Shot


Matthew parked the car in front of the townhouse, took a deep breath, and got off with Kumajiro in his arm. Although Mr. US of A has many homes across the nation,varies from the mansion in Washington DC to the trailer in Texas, this townhouse in San Francisco is alway his favorite, and the one he stayed the most at. It's been a long time since they had a boys night out, the Canadian wondered if Al wants to come with him this weekend to go to a hockey game together, He even got the tickets ready!

"Hey Al!" Matthew knocked on the door, "it's Matt, you know, Canada?" The response is only silence, Matt signed and pet the door again. "Al? Allllllll?? Americaaaaaaaaaaa????" Another silence. "Oh come on, you are out again?" Canada mumbled as he took out the spare key hiding under the carpet.

"Wonder if there is still some ice cream left," Matt knows too well that when it comes to Alfred, there is no need of politeness. He opened the freezer, found a pint of strawberry vanilla and starts stuffing himself.

Just then, he heard a sound of what it seemed like object hit the floor.

"Al?" Matthew asked.

silence

It was coming from upstairs. Matthew thought as he grabbed Kuma who was also gulping down ice cream and went off to explore where the sound is coming.

Upon the second floor, the bathroom door is half closed with clear light behind it, an almost unnoticeable faint crying sound caught Matthew's ear.

He pushed the door open. "America?"

The freedom nation who curled into a ball was sobbing on the floor next to the sink suddenly lifted his head, so fast it almost bumped it on to the wall "Mattie! I…ugh...I didn't think you'd be here..." A scent of fear in his eyes made Matthew's heart ache.

" America? What's going on? Are you alri-" His eyes widened. All over the nation's arm and thigh were covered with horrible cut marks. Some are red, some are brown. Some are big, some are small. Some are already scars, and some still got blood drops dripping down, forming a thin line across the skin, and down to the floor. Red marks stained his vest and boxers, and a blade is gripped tight by the shaking hand

"A-Al? I-is that…" he trailed off, the answer is obvious.

The American buried his face into arms, his voice cracking "I'm so sorry Canada, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…."

His being cut off by a warm hug smell of maple, "Shh…" the Canadian hushes gently, "Shh...Alfred, how long has this-" been going on?

Inside his arms, Alfred shakes his head a little but still answers in mumbles, " Months… I, I don't know…" Canada hushed him again shutting his eyes to fight off the tears "You wanna talk about it ?" Alfred shook his head again "No, not now."

"Maybe later?" Matthew tried again. This time, Alfred didn't answer.

The Canadian sighed. It didn't take long for him to draw Alfred a quick hot bath, a new fresh T-shirt, wrapping him in a blanket like a human-sized burrito.

"Stay here," Matthew whispered as he placed his childhood best friend on the star stripped bed. Alfred didn't say a word, he just stared into the blank space, breathing quietly.

The Canadian went downstairs again. He found some cocoa powder to make creamy hot chocolate and made sure to add enough marshmallows and maple syrup to it. He left Kumajiro upstairs to stay with Al. The air smells moisturized and sweet, but Matt' eyebrows were a knot. He blames himself to not have found out earlier, he's the one who's closest and mattered the most to him! Yet he never thought of this would happen, nor knowing what to do.

When he got back, Alfred didn't move a bit. Matthew placed the mugs on the nightstand, and crows into the bed cuddling next to Alfred, put his arm around him with Kumajiro climbing on his lap.

" Hey, America? Want to talk about it now?"

Alfred turned his head, tear runs down his cheeks again. He buried his head into Matthew's shoulder.

"They hated me Mattie...they all hated me…"

"Who?"

"Everyone! I just feels so much Canada! My peoples are suffering, I can feel every one of them, everyone… They hate me, they are disappointed, but my government can't do a thing about it… I-I'm scared Mattie, I'm scared and tired, I don't know what to do and there are you and England and China and everyone else, expecting so much from me! And I don't even know if I can do it. I don't think anyone still cares anymore… they just see me as a damn idiot and shut me out, and it hurts...so much… maybe they are right, I'm fat and stupid and annoying and gets in everyone's way...It's like everything is getting worse in the world and I'm making it even worse...I just want to be a hero..." He'd voice brakes, again. Matthew cannot hold the tears in anymore, tiny streams flow pass his face as he hugs Alfred tighter.

" You're." He said.

"... W-what?"

"I said, you ARE," Matthew put his hands on Alfred's cheek and kisses him on the forehead.

"But-"

"Shut up you big stupid pumpkin, yes, I get it, you don't deserve to be a hero cause you are annoying and always messing up, but no,"

Matthew took a deep breath "trust me, I grew up with you, you know. Remember the time I lectured you for three hours? I get exactly how obnoxious you can be…" the tears were rolling down again, "...but, you were also always the optimistic one, you were so full of energy and always ready to explore, you have a good heart and you are always there, ready to make the world a better place. Yes sometimes it didn't work out well but I-, but WE know how hard you have tried. Because you always have the hope, the hope to fix it to better, and you give this hope to all the rest of us, too, leading us to move on. I can't imagine myself here without you, and i can't imagine this world without you either, I bet no one can America."

Alfred sat there like a statue, his mouth opened a little, "Wow… Mattie, I-"

"Just shut it and drink your chocolate." Matthew chuckled, shoving the mug to him

Alfred took a sip of the creamy liquid, some foam sticking on his lips lite a mustache. "Maple syrup? Seriously?"

"Oh, you know you love it."

"Fair enough." Alfred hesitated a little, "Ugh… Canada, about well, this, could you not tell anyone?"

Matthew thighs and his eyebrows knotting again. " At least let us talk to Britain and France,? They deserve to know, you understand how much they actually care about you."

"Fine, but just them."

They just sat on the bed cuddling each other until the cups runs dry.

" Say, you wanna come to a hockey game thing weekend at my place?"

"Dude, you just don't get how scary you become in hockey games do you?"

"Hey! I wasn't that scary."

"Ugh, fine."

 **Hello everyone and thank you for reading, the reason I wrote this is because I used to fall into a victim of self harming as well. A lot of Alfred in the story is based on myself. It once felt like there is no hope and things will not get better but its not true, I just want to thank all my friends,teacher, and classmates for helping overcoming it. And for all the ones who is like how I used to, just remember that you will always get your own Matthew, the one person that can not live without you because you are so important, and all of us as well, thinks about your fandoms and ships and idol celebrities, they need your support, continue to live your life because there is always be new season of your favorite shows or a new book from your favorite series next year. Lastly, a big hug for you all!**


End file.
